Chapter Four

Christmas was getting closer. Outside, it was very cold, so people kept inside. The stores were Christmas decorating, with green, red and silvery colors, Christmas trees, little Santa Clauses and various other items, all making it look like Yuletide.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Willow asked Buffy on December eighteenth, just days before Santa would come. Of course, neither Buffy nor Willow believed in him anymore, but it was interesting to think, 'what if'.

At the moment, the two girls were sitting at a café, both drinking hot chocolates.

"I dunno," Buffy shrugged.

"Oh come on, Buffy, there must be something…" Willow whined, taking a zip of her drink.

I want my dad back, Buffy thought sadly. He had been gone for almost two months, and he hadn't as much as called. Buffy figured he was happy to be out. But even so, it made her sad to think that this Christmas, not all the family was going to be there. She had never had a family member missing at Christmas, never.

"Will, I don't want anything. I would like to just forget Christmas, not have it happen at all."

"You miss your dad, don't you," Willow said softly.

Buffy was quiet for a second before answering, "Yeah, I do. Oh Will, I don't know how I'm gonna get through Christmas. It's gonna be so horrible."

Willow reached out to Buffy and hugged her friend. "Don't worry," she said, "It will be okay."

"Everyone keeps telling me that, but I just can't see that it will. It just hurts, all of it, and it feels like it is going to hurt forever."

"Well, I don't know what to say," Willow said, "Because I have never been through it. But you know that I'll be here for whatever you need, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"So, what do you say we go out and do some serious Christmas shopping. I still have to get stuff for Xander and Giles; who do you have left?"

"Everyone. I haven't bought anything for anyone."

"Buffy! It's like a week till Christmas – don't you think you should get started?"

"Sure," Buffy said, but she didn't feel very enthusiastic.

"Well then, let's go," Willow said. They finished their cups of chocolate and left the café.

All in all, they ended up having a good time, Buffy had to admit. It was quite a lot of fun, and Buffy managed to get presents for everyone. She felt proud of herself about that for some reason. She was glad that Willow had made her go out with her.

There was a knock on her door. Hastily, Buffy put the unwrapped presents underneath her bed and finished wrapping Dawn's, which was the one she'd been working on for the last few minutes.

"Come in," she said, and the door opened. "Hi Spike."

"Hello," he said. "What are you doing with all that bloody wrapping stuff?"

"Guess twice."

"Hey, no need to get bitchy, pet," he exclaimed, looking offended.

Buffy didn't look up; she continued working on the bow on Dawn's present. When she was done, she wrote a little card saying, 'to Dawn from Buffy – Merry Christmas, little sis', then put it on her bed among the other finished presents.

"Cute," Spike said, looking at the card.

"Hey, you're not supposed to read! Not before Christmas, at least."

"How else am I supposed to know if it's for me, pet?" he asked, looking innocent.

God, he's so cute when he does that, Buffy thought.

"You're not!" Buffy bellowed and snatched the presents away from him. It didn't matter that his present wasn't among the lot in her arms – it was under her bed with the other gifts she hadn't wrapped it yet – it was just the principle that he shouldn't see any of the presents before Christmas Day.

"Not sodden fair," Spike whined, although a smile played in the corners of his mouth.

"Life isn't fair, bleach boy," Buffy teased.

"Ooh, Slayer getting on her high horses again," Spike smiled and moved closer to her.

"I am not. And by the way, if you get one step closer, I am going to hit you," she warned. She knew he'd do it.

"Oh really?" Spike mocked, and took another step.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Buffy whispered as she pushed him back on the bed.

He landed with a thump.

"Ouch, what was that good for?" he asked her, rubbing the back of his head.

She came walking over to the bed. He looked so innocent and suddenly, an urge of needing to kiss him hit her. She bent down and planted a kiss on his mouth. He seemed surprised at first, but it didn't take him long to realize what they were doing, and he kissed her back.

His lips are so soft and warm, she thought and pressed her tongue into his mouth. It felt so good, and she didn't understand why she hadn't done it before. Why had she hated him? She couldn't remember.

She rolled off him, panting. It was all going a little too fast. She just lay in his arms, and it felt good. It felt safe, away from the chaos going on in her life.

"Can I stay here tonight?" he asked her.

"Sure," she answered quietly, already half asleep.

She snuggled up closer to him. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep.

Beside her, with his arm still around her, Spike lay, just looking at her. Damn she's beautiful, he thought. That kiss they had shared… It had been nothing short of amazing. Her lips, so warm and sweet, better than anyone he had ever kissed before. Maybe it was the fact that he had been waiting for that kiss for so long that made it so great, but he knew it wasn't only that. He was in love with her. Now, that was the easy part. Getting her to fall in love would be a little harder, he thought.

The next day, Buffy awoke slowly. She was only half-aware that someone had an arm around her, and when she turned around and saw that it belonged to Spike, she quickly pushed it away.

Oh god, she thought, what have I done. She remembered their kiss, how good it had felt, but… It wasn't right. She wasn't in love with him. And now she had led him on, giving him false hope. He was a good – great – friend, nothing else.

She touched his arm to wake him.

"Spike," she muttered to the sleeping figure, "Spike, you need to get up."

"Huh? Pet? What… Oh yeah," he mumbled, realization of where he was and why coming over his face. "Good morning, pet."

"Spike, you need to get out of here."

"What? Why?"

She didn't answer him, just pulled him off her bed.

"Hey, Buffy, wait a second," he exclaimed. "You're not saying that – that what happened last night was a mistake, are you?"

She looked up at his startled expression. "Spike," she began, "I am not in love you. What happened with you yesterday – It-it wasn't supposed to happen."

"So it was all a sodden mistake for you?" Hurt was beginning to take over his face.

"You know it wasn't supposed to be…" She trailed off, reading on his face that he didn't see it as a mistake, and he thought it was supposed to be.

"Well, Slayer," he said, his voice suddenly hard. "I hope you had fun, because it is not going to happen again." With those words, he left, slamming the door so the walls shook as he walked out of her room.

She sunk down on her bed, her head in her hands. What had she done?

Later that day, at one, a sad Buffy made her way into the Magic Box. All the Scoobies, all smiling and wishing her an early Merry Christmas met her there.

"We thought you would never show up," Anya said with only a hint of annoyance in her voice. "Now can we open presents?"

"Buffy, where is Spike?" Willow asked coming over and hugging her friend. "I thought you said he was going to come too."

"He – He had made other plans," Buffy lied quietly, knowing that Spike was sitting at home, in his room with a closed door.

"Oh. Well, that's too bad," Willow responded. "I got him a present."

She walked back over to Tara and sat down.

The reason they were having the gift exchange so early this year was because both Tara and Xander were going away with their parents over Christmas. So now, they all sat down around the table, and each had a bag full of wrapped presents in it.

"Who wants to start then?" Xander asked.

"Let's take one present at the time," Willow said. "One gives one present, then the next one gives one present, you know."

The gang agreed, and soon they were all deeply involved in giving out gift and guessing what they contained. Packages were shaken, cards read, but nothing was opened. As their bags emptied out, the heaps in front of them increased in size. Even Giles seemed to be having a good time.

"Okay, I think that's all," Willow said, nodding at all the bags which were now lying empty on the floor.

"Yeah, let's start opening some of these goodies," Xander smiled, his eyes twinkling like a child's.

Suddenly, the room was filled with the sound of paper being ripped. Buffy started with a present from Willow. It contained a blue top that Buffy had been looking at for a while.

"Thanks, Will, I love it!" she exclaimed to her friend.

"You're welcome. Thanks to you too, by the way. These earrings are just beautiful," she smiled.

Buffy continued on her heap, after each present she thanked the giver. She got a cute but revealing dress from Anya, a CD from Giles – "They guy in the shop said it was what you youngsters listen to now," he had explained, blushing –, the first Harry Potter book from Tara, which she was a little surprised at.

"Well, I-I love those books, so I thought you might want to-to read them," she explained.

"I'm sure I will enjoy them," Buffy said honestly, "As long as I have time to read them." Tara had smiled at her at this comment.

A pang hit her when Buffy had opened all her gifts that she hadn't given all of hers away. Of course, the ones for her family were still in her closet waiting for Christmas Day. But one, one of those presents, the one for Spike, she had intended to give away today.

Oh well, she thought, pushing the bad feeling away. I'll give it to him on Christmas morning instead.

They all sat and talked for the rest of the night. At one thirty in the morning, though, a tired Scooby Gang decided to call it a night. With another set of 'Merry Christmases', they broke up and each left for home. Xander and Tara, Buffy wouldn't see again until school started, but the others were staying and they promised they'd meet up for other things than slaying during the break. Giles said that he'd be coming by her house on Christmas Day. Buffy knew that that was just as much to see her mother, as it was to see her. She smiled at the thought.

Christmas came and passed much more peacefully than Buffy had expected it to. Even doing it all without her father around went all right; Dawn too was in a good mood. The only cloud in the sky at the moment was that she and Spike were not even talking to each other, which bugged her, because he'd used to help her a lot, with all different things. But it wasn't just that she missed his help; she missed talking to him and teasing him. She didn't like having him turn around every time he saw her and leave the room every time she entered. She missed her friend.

School started again and once again, Buffy was juggling school with Slayer duties. Slaying seemed to take up more and more time; the Hellmouth seemed to be quite active at the moment, which tired the Slayer out enormously. She could be up until two and tree in the morning, just slaying ugly vampires, who decided that the Slayer wasn't such a big threat after all. Buffy couldn't remember when she had last gotten a whole, full eight hours worth of sleep. Not even on the weekends could she relax, since she was getting behind in her schoolwork, and with Giles' training, her weekends were booked. Classes, she had decided, was the only time she had to sleep.

"Buffy, wake up!" Willow pushed her friend in the side and Buffy awoke.

"Huh? Oh, sorry," she smiled sheepishly.

"You really should listen a-a little to the class," Willow said.

"Well, I'm trying, but I'm just tired, you know."

"I know what we'll do," Willow said happily.

"You're not going to patrol tonight!"

"Will… I have to," Buffy said tiredly.

"No you don't. We'll do it for you. And you stay home and sleep, for once."

"You sure?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"Yeah, I am. I don't think the other ones will object either. You need to rest, even Giles has said so."

This was true; Buffy's Watcher had indeed told her during their last practice that she wasn't concentrated and that she needed get better rest.

"Fine," Buffy said. "I'll go home and sleep. If the others agree," she added.

They walked by a couple of seniors in the hallway, who were working on putting up posters.

"Oh that's right," Willow said, pointing at the poster. "The Winter Formal dance is coming up. Are you gonna go?"

"No," Buffy answered. "If someone asks me I guess I'll do it, but otherwise no. I'm not really in the mood to get all dressed up like a stupid Barbie doll."

"Buffy, is something wrong?" Willow asked.

"Nah, not really. Nothing other than the usual." She had told Willow weeks earlier that she and Spike were fighting, and although Willow felt bad for Spike, she was on Buffy's side; if she didn't want to be romantically involved with Spike, she shouldn't be.

"So, are you gonna go?" Buffy asked, referring to the dance.

"Who knows, Tara and I might actually do it. I'll just have to see how much it costs; I'm not too high on money at the moment."

Buffy smiled at the comment, recognizing her own situation. She didn't have that much money either.

Sleeping had never felt so good before, Buffy thought the next day as she awoke for the first time in weeks, completely rested.

Suddenly, Buffy's door opened.

"Buffy?" It was Spike. "Buffy, are you awake?"

"Yeah, I am," Buffy said sitting up in her bed, surprised that Spike was actually talking to it. "What is it?"

"Willow's in the hospital," Spike said uneasily, looking away from her.

"What?!" Buffy jumped off her bed. "She'll be okay, though, right?"

"They – they don't know," Spike mumbled.

"Oh my gosh, this is all my fault," Buffy whispered. "I should have gone patrolling with you yesterday…"

"Calm down, Slayer," Spike said, his words soft but his voice as cold as ice. Just like it had been every time he had had to address her the last few weeks, Buffy thought sadly, then returning her thoughts to Willow.

"It wasn't a demon, it was a car accident. You couldn't have done anything about it. We were walking home when this bloody car came out of nowhere and hit her."

"I need to go there," Buffy said, putting on her clothes. It was a school day, but she didn't care. She needed to see her friend. Oh god, Willow…

They reached the hospital in less time than they thought possible. Spike walked ahead of her up the stairs to where the other Scoobies and Willow's mother were sitting. Xander holding Anya's hand, Giles pacing back and forth, and Tara sitting staring out with an empty look, tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. Buffy sat down by her and hugged her. Tara didn't say anything; she just leaned on Buffy and shook with tears.

They sat there for hours, waiting for news. The Scoobies had already been there for several hours before she came, Buffy realized. They had decided to let her sleep, since that was what Willow had wanted the day before.

Her last wish, Buffy thought sadly, before pushing the thought away. She's not gone yet, and she's not going to go anywhere – be positive!

A while later, a doctor came to them, a faint smile on his face. He talked to Willow's parents for a while, and then he left. It relieved Buffy to see that they weren't crying when they turned around. She took this as a good sign.

"Well, how is she?" Xander asked worriedly.

"The doctor said she'd broken both her legs, one arm and punctured one lung, and she has a concussion. But the doctor says she's going to make it."

This made the whole Scooby Gang cheer.

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